00:00

Time : 00:00

As I sit in front of this screen, typing away on this keyboard yet I still have no clue on how to find meaning in my words. They all seem meaningless to me. It almost feels like I am having a colloquy with my other self. My other self who is fighting this new me. My other self who wants me to be strong, who wants me to fight these demons that want me to lose this battle. My fingers type away anyway...

The last thing on my mind lately seems to be sleep. I find myself drowning in a deep pool of tears, heartache and tormenting nightmares. Nightmares of the lack of his presence that have now forged a huge hole in my heart. And for some strange reason, I'm afraid I am slowly beginning to find comfort in this emptiness.

I used to be a believer of God, I still am. I think. I'm not sure. It's just that lately, I feel like like my heart has become faithless. I don't know how to feel about religion anymore. I know how this sounds, I know it sounds disastrous. But I'm feeling all these emotions. This is my venue for honesty and when I write, it all becomes truth.I don't seem to care about a lot of things. Don't get me wrong, I care. Only a little. I do feel bad for feeling this way, I do. It's not what I chose. I need to know what happened. What happened to the person who was addicted to creed? The person who believed in nothing else but God, the person who turned to the Lord for everything? Where did she go? I find myself questioning the Lord himself. Asking him why he took my father away to a point where all my tears get used up. He was supposed to be here when I graduated, when I got married, when I had my first child and when I achieved all my goals. All these things don't seem to matter anymore. I want them to matter again. Not for my sake, but for his. I have heard a lot of people tell me "I know how you feel, just be strong and make him proud". I still don't understand how anyone is able to see what's truly in my heart. No one. Not one soul will ever be able to understand.

I know that if he was still here with me, I wouldn't even be here writing this.

If only.

When did I lose so much of myself? I'm in a constant search for my soul and my loving heart. I need to find it. Who's going to save me?

God??

I look at the time again. It still shows 00:00